I have been lying to you for too long
How personal work and psychotherapy made me realise I have rarely been true with myself and others and how this has impacted on my job and creativity.
It’s time to tell you the truth
I have been a freelance illustrator and artist for the last 3 years now, but the truth is that I have been lying to my audience in the most miserable way. In fact, first of all, I have been lying to myself.
I am launching this space to give voice to my transformation and to speak the truth about my story, my childhood trauma, my emotional neglect, my neurological-specific trait and how all this impacts my creativity. But also to give you the possibility to witness it, interact with me and maybe find the tools and the support you need to start your own transformation in a space where no algorithm will affect our interaction.
Instagram has been a struggle for me for a while, and despite the number of followers, I feel I can never reach those who really care about my work because scrolling is faster than words or images.
This is not just a newsletter, this is a personal and intimate journal that aims to create a connection with the audience and to let you know me beyond the surface of what social media can show.
In this space, I will share what drawing means to me and how I arrived at where I am now, how I draw and my favourite techniques and media and where I find inspiration. But I will also share my writing, some philosophical considerations, my story as a person and what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person whilst being an artist.
First of all, I will share with you the lie that I have told myself so far, how I have passed that lie on to you and how all of this has impacted my drawing.
I have been reared in an environment in which to show strong emotions was not allowed and in fact it was considered a serious weakness. I have been speaking with my psychotherapist about how, often, I experience this strong feeling of urgency coming up inside myself, towards the throat, and then finding a massive wall. Practically this feeling manifests in two obvious ways to me, in two specific circumstances: I cannot dance and I find my journaling stupid. As if any expression of my self was just not allowed.
All the personal work I am doing took me to a point in which, the other day, something very big came out in my journal. In fact, every time I have to start journaling, I feel this huge sense of inadequacy, as if what I really have to say doesn’t really matter. And I also feel shame towards some of my deepest thoughts. So what often happens is that I dilute it all, I diverge it all, I become someone else other than myself while writing for myself. I basically write for someone else.
At this point I had a sad and sudden realisation: what happens with my writing happens, of course, also with my drawing. Who am I drawing for? Who do I bring on the blank paper? Unfortunately the answer is that I bring a people-pleaser in the shape of Marty, not Marty herself.
I have been lying to myself and to you all.
The inevitable consequence to this realisation is that my farce has been unmasked and there’s no more room for anything but the truth. The emergency for truth comes with the fear of abandonment from the public. This is life, I suppose. We might lose a lover for having lied to them, but we might meet somebody else on Truth Street that we would have never meet if we didn’t decide to change direction.
My way of drawing could dramatically change, or maybe not so dramatically, or maybe just a little.
I am ready to discover it, I am ready to embrace my true self.
*For those who don’t know Substack, it is a platform that allows creators to build content (either visual, written or audio) with an audience based on a newsletter subscription. You can subscribe to my Substack newsletter (but if you read this email you are already in) and you can also go on my Substack page and read all the content whenever you like as if it were a blog. It doesn’t expire and no algorithm will hide it. Substack also offers a pledge system through which readers can support the creator either monthly or yearly, but you can also read just for free.
Thank you for offering a personal side to your post and look forward to more . This does feel like a more calm and community oriented platform than the other endless scrolls do - cheers Heather
Thank you for sharing your journey, I’m looking forward to reading and learning more about the actual, real Marty! ♥️