People pleasing and change: what does it mean for an artist?
It’s happening: this is how I draw now, or maybe for now
Since I tested extremely positive for Sensory Processing Sensitivity, I reached out to a psychotherapist specialising in HSP. Discovering this trait at the age of 32 has created a huge wave of emotions and considerations. In fact, I had to revisit my life so far in light of a specific neurological trait. My psychotherapist, the first one in my life with whom I felt totally understood, warned me about the fact that, after such a discovery, I might have needed to take time off from work to properly grieve my misunderstood childhood and youth. I told her it wasn’t an option, as I work for myself and being without any income wouldn’t have been a possibility. But the body keeps the score, and so does the heart, and while I kept pushing myself to work and to make it work, I found myself at sea, completely lost, so that I couldn't think of drawing or managing anything. I didn’t want to take time off, but it happened because it couldn’t have been any other way.
I didn’t know how long it would have lasted, if I would have any job left when I was ready to start again, or if people would understand. Still, that was all I could do: sit with my monsters and, one by one, say them goodbye. At some stage I thought this process would have lasted forever, but the good news is that... hey, it looks like I am slowly getting back.
As I said in I have been lying to you for too long, what happened after this personal process is that I cannot lie to myself anymore. And it reflects in the way I illustrate, draw, and paint as well. I might not draw like before anymore.
In the last few days I have done a very interesting exercise: I set up at my desk, took out some old photos of a place I really like, and drew them in the way that is most natural to me, trying not to decide anything but just witnessing how I draw naturally, as if nobody was looking. I only decided what media to use, which turned out to be many of them (gouache, pastels and pencils). I still feel I need to get rid of many things that don’t belong to me, and I sometimes feel like I am still drawing to please someone else. But the big difference now is that I am aware of that, and I take action right away. I consider this first week a success. I drew joyfully, and it hadn't happened for a long time.
During February, I didn’t know how to draw anymore. I could barely sit and hold a pencil. I suppose it was all part of the process. Now, not only can I draw, but I can figure out a method and also improvise on it. I am noticing I am using mixed media much more than I was before. I like the little messiness that I can create by layering gouache and pastels and a bit of water as well. In the past week, I have become aware of what I could call "my process at the moment".
As with many people, I don’t really like the blank sheet, so I find myself covering it in a layer of gouache, typically in a muted blue or cerulean tone. I then block myself from reaching for a pencil, and I go in with a not-erasable coloured pencil. I block out shapes, and from here I build the drawing with more gouache, coloured pencil lines and colouring, some Neocolor pastels, and I like to draw with water-soluble media on a still-wet part of the drawing.
It makes me happy, although I cannot control the result. Maybe that’s why it makes me happy. Drawing is, for me at the moment, a dance. I am one of the dancers; the drawing is the other one. I lead, but I am not alone, and I have to consider the other part as well. Therefore, I am not in total control. And for the first time in my life, it actually feels good; it feels like I am allowed to let go, as all the responsibility is not only mine.
This leads to another amazing realisation: the result of the drawing might be dramatically different from the reference. Finally, I feel totally fine with it. (Also, I have always hated to draw people and now I just do it. I actually like them, just put there on top of everything, with no proper space or reality, mixed with whatever is around, quickly sketched).
Thanks for reading about my new adventure with my same old life and job. Please feel free to answer the email or comment the post on Substack, asking questions is very welcome as well. If you are experiencing block in drawing or creativity and you want to have a chat, I am here.
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I love how you demonstrate your own approach to change . It is a fear many artists hold close - the fear of not pleasing .or not creating art that feels accurate to oneself or others . That’s how we are taught in more structured environments . These drawings have a joyous , free feel ! Thanks for sharing!
You’re going from strength to strength! Love the colours in all of the new work ♥️